Still in Dallas. Still living with a dishwasher, which has wedged a serious stick into the spokes of this blog. But I'd be remiss if I didn't share with you my family's weird/adorable/disgusting way of doing the dishes. However, rather than drag on explaining it, I think it's better said in a three-part photo expose.
Olga (black) and Inga (brown) taking care of business.
Olga's dedicated to cleaning every last dish.
No soap necessary
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Cleaned: 6 plates and saucers, 1 container plus lid, 1 blender plus lid, 1 edged knife, 2 forks, 2 spoons, 2 butter knives, 1 cheese knife, 9 cups (glass and plastic), 4 coffee mugs
Completion time: 5 minutes
Playlist: A Christmas Album by the British Homophobes
You may have noticed that the activity here at Living With No Dishwasher has died down considerably in recent weeks. I would apologize for this, but my ninth-grade speech teacher taught me never to start off a speech with an apology. I assume the same goes for blogging as well.
Instead, I'll offer you an explanation. You see, last week I made my annual trip to Texas, where I'm spending the next month celebrating the holidays with my family. Anyone that's ever met anyone from Texas knows that that second anyone thinks Texas is great. I too think Texas is great, as I am represented by that second anyone. The weather here is pleasant. You can buy beer in grocery stores. And I'm pretty sure Texas is the one place that Rick Perry is not during the campaign season. So, bonus points for being topical.
The problem is that I'm staying with my parents. OK, the problem is not that I'm staying with my parents. They're perfectly fine people (My mom's the only person who officially follows my blog). The problem is that my parents have a dishwasher and my mom has plenty of time on her hands. So I never get to do the dishes anymore. In the last week, I think I've washed a cup (plastic, completion time: 1 sec, playlist: silence). While I appreciate the vacation, you, as the reader, deserve more from this blog.
So fear not, my friends, for I* have come up with a solution. Rather than put my dirty dishes in the sink, I've started hiding them in my bedside table. Then, in about a week or so, I'll wait for my parents to leave the house and return to my rightful place as Supreme Dish Washer.
Or, I'll forget about the dishes for a while and leave them in the bedside tablet until my Live-In Girlfriend (LIGF) comes and stays with me in a few weeks. The smell, I assume, should be pretty hilarious.
*Actually, it was my buddy Sam's idea. He's a real ladykiller**.
Editor's note: Check out below the Playlist for the LWND Song of the Year and the LWND Best Song of All Time.
Today, I'm introducing a new segment to LWND called "Worse than Hitler?" The premise is simple. I describe some atrocious person or event that I witnessed, and we as a dishwasherless community determine whether said person or event is, in fact, worse than Adolf Hitler. Here we go...
The other day at work, I saw someone in my office take a phone call while walking into the restroom, tell the person on the other end of the call that he was going into the restroom, proceed to carry on the conversation while at the urinal, then leave without washing his hands.
Playlist: "Midnight City" by M83, "Put Me to Sleep" by Porcelain Raft, "Firestarter" by Blouse, "Waterfalls" by Clams Casino, "Leaf (feat. Main Attrakionz)" by A$AP Rocky, "Backslider" by Toadies, "Forget You & I" by Nite Jewel, "Is and Is and Is" by White Denim, "King Night" by Salem, "Peso" by A$AP Rocky, "Two Weeks" by Grizzly Bear, "Liquid Swords" by JZA the Jenius (remix), "Hey, Snow White" by Destroyer, "Sa Sa Samoa" by Korallreven, "Strange Mercy" by St. Vincent, "Replay" by Iyaz
Everyone seems to be releasing Albums of the Year lists right now, despite the fact there's still three weeks left. But since I don't want anyone to feel like this blog is anything less than legit, here are some albums that came out this year. Some of them I enjoyed. Others, not so much. One of them I've never even heard of.
Kaputt by Destroyer
Band leader Dan Bejar and his crew of merry destroyers continue to impress. If a guy's been releasing albums for 16 years, you'd expect him to be good at it by now. Sadly, that is not always the case. Look at Dave Grohl. That guy's been around forever and has never had a good band. Jon Bon Jovi's probably even worse. Dan Bejar, on the other hand, started off great and seems to get better with age. On Kaputt, Bejar and friends shirk that bluesy-folksy-rocky sound that the guy's had going for him for so long and move in an unexpected direction: disco... kinda. Kaputt is underrated as a dance album and probably recognized by few as Bejar's best work. Nevertheless, it gets my nod for Album of the Year, which means this list is all downhill from here.
Watch the Throne by Jay-Z and Kanye West
"Disappointing" is probably not the right word. Did anyone really have high expectations for this album? I don't mean to sound all hater, but Jay-Z hasn't put out anything good since The Black Album, and I think we've all had our fill of Kanye for the next couple years. Put the two together at this point in their careers and you get something that would inevitably have more hype than substance. It's not all bad. It's not Drake. But it's not good, and you should quit listening to it.
NIGGAS IN PARIS by andreclark
Bon Iver by Bon Iver
I heard this album was good. Honestly, I haven't listened to it. I have a feeling this is going to be on everyone's list, so I didn't want you guys to think I was out of the loop. Maybe I'll listen to it some day, but Bon (Is that his first name? Is Bon a name?) just looks a little too mountain-man for me to take him seriously. In my imagination, this album sounds like a very boring Iron & Wine. I'm sure it's fine.
No list is complete without a somewhat obscure Texas band. For this list, it's The Strange Boys, who, until this album, were indeed quite strange. They tone down the spazz this time around, which has always been part of their charm. But they make up for it in listenability. So I think it's a fair trade. Lots of honky tonk piano and fuzzy guitar. Plus, lead singer Ryan Sambol kinda looks like a lizard. Is this one of the best albums of the year? Depends how big your list is. But it is an album this year, so it fits the theme of the list. You might do yourself a favor and give it a spin. Stream here
Total Unicorn
I have no idea who this band is. Never listened to them in my life.
Playlist: "Expectation" by Tame Impala, "Bitters Bust" by The Bitters, "Death and All the Rest" by The Strange Boys, "Nurtured Disease" by The Bitters, "Let's Rock the Beach" by Real Estate, "Hold Your Hand" by Dum Dum Girls, "Pink Orange Red" by Cocteau Twins, "Mama Liza" by Konono No. 1
I'll admit, if there is a lame part of this blog (and studies show that there is not), it's probably got to be the Playlist. On some level, I include it just to show off that I'm listening to pretentious hipster music. But I also feel that singing along in a terrible falsetto is one of the most endearing parts about doing the dishes, so I usually just put my iTunes on shuffle and hope that nothing embarrassing comes on.
Boy, did that backfire today when the first track to play was this memorable little gem:
When it comes to Disney movies, I generally prefer the villain songs (Ursella's "Poor Unfortunate Souls," Scar's "Be Prepared"). But this is the exception. "A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin is perhaps the best song from perhaps the best Disney movie. Anyone that grew up in the '90s (or raised kids in the decade (or isn't an asshole)) has memories attached to this one. Even people who are now convinced that all brown people are terrorists can't deny that Aladdin is, to use the lingo of the time, the bomb. No diggity.
My personal favorite moment? The bird squawk. Which I sing. Every time. Even though it's not on the recording.
--- Cleaned: 14 plates and saucers, 3 containers, 1 iron skillet, 1 frying pan, 9 cups (glass and plastic), 4 coffee mugs, 1 mixing bowl, 2 regular bowls, 2 mixing spoons, 2 spatulas, 1 whisk, 4 measuring spoons, 1 measuring cup, 1 cheese knife, 1 edged knife, 1 peeler, 5 spoons, 8 forks, 4 butter knives
Completion time: 21 minutes
Playlist: "A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin, "Clouds Over the Pacific" by James Pants, "Liquid Swords" by Gza, "Belispeak" by Purity Ring, "Goal\Wide" by Javelin, "Light Black" by Toro y Moi, "Wipe it Off" by The Beats, "Heirloom" by Sufjan Stevens, "Two Dancers II" by Wild Beast, "Cows" by Bonnie Prince Billy Belispeak by PURITY RING
People are always asking me, "Jake, what's your favorite dish?"
As the internationally recognized preeminent dish washing blogger of the 21st century, I suppose this question isn't out of line. But it's also stupid. Like a crabby mother with dozens of old, dirty bastards, I hate each one of them equally. Plates, bowls, baking dishes, whatever -- they're all terrible.
A better question, in my opinion, is, "Jake, what dish strikes the most fear into your heart? What keeps you awake at night for fear of slipping into a terrible dream full of grime and grease and bits of food product?"
The answer to that question is this:
The wooden spoon
My history with the wooden spoon is a complicated one. You see, I grew up in an era when spanking your children was not as controversial as it is today. In fact, in my day, a mother waling on her kid in public elicited not a "How dare she?" but an "If she didn't do it, I would have."
However, when it came to punishment, my mother liked to think outside the box. Once (maybe several times), as a teenager, I forgot to lock the door when I left the house and no one else was home. Instead of simply grounding me, Mom decided that it would be better to revoke my privileges to anything that might have been stolen as a result of my irresponsibility. Of course, nothing was actually stolen, but for a week or two I wasn't allowed to watch TV, go on the computer or talk on the phone. When I protested that someone might have very well decided to kidnap me, I've no doubt that my mom's initial thought was, "Who would want you?"
But even before I was a smart alack teenager, I was a smart alack child -- which leads me to the wooden spoon. At all times, my mother carried in her purse a wooden spoon for child-rearing purposes. Rather than spanking my brothers or me with an open palm like a normal mother, mine would swat us a couple times with the wooden spoon. If we acted up in the super market, the wooden spoon came out. Mouthing off at home? The wooden spoon. Being brats in church? Withhold not the chastisement from a boy; if you beat him with a wooden spoon, he will not die.
She swears she broke one or two wooden spoons over my bony, white ass, but I must've buried the memory deep within my subconscious, from where it will probably emerge one day in a psychopathic display of serial killings by wooden spoon. If you ever hear about such crimes on the news, you probably already know who's responsible.
Whether it's a ruler, a belt, a paddle or an open palm, nearly everyone has something that conjures terrible, yet oddly nostalgic memories of childhood punishment. My live-in girlfriend (LIGF) says her mother kept two switches in the house that she called her "angels" (except they're Croatian, so it was probably "andeli.") Whenever LIGF or her brother would misbehave, their mother would simply point to her angels, and the kids knew to chill the eff out.
For me, it was the wooden spoon. That horrible wooden effing spoon.
This might also explain my dislike of the band Spoon.
--- Cleaned: 4 spoons (not wooden), 1 cheese knife, 1 PIZZA cutter, 1 butter knife, 1 edged knife, 1 grater, 4 cups (glass and plastic), 2 coffee mugs, 1 spatula, 1 baby spatula, 1 brush, 1 whisk, 3 measuring cups, 2 measuring spoons, 4 plates and saucers, 1 frying pan, 1 iron skillet, 1 blender, 1 baking dish, 1 blender
Completion time: 19 minutes
Playlist: "Vanessa" by Grimes, "Emergency Room" by Ford & Lopatin, "The End" by JJ, "Transparency" by D'eon, "Quantum Leap" by John Maus, "The Preakness" by Panda Bear
John Maus - Quantum Leap by RibbonMusic
Guys, I just don't think Drake makes good music.
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Cleaned: 2 frying pans, 1 rice cooker plus lid, 8 plates and saucers, 1 blender plus lid, 4 butter knives, 2 forks, 6 spoons, 1 masher, 1 mixing spoon, 1 spatula, 4 coffee mugs, 5 cups (glass and plastic)
Completion time: 21 minutes
Playlist: "Cold War (Nice Clean Fight)" by The Morning Benders, "Cold Outside" by Raekwon, "Mongrel" by DJ Shadow, "Mezzanine" by Massive Attack, "The Edge" by Cant, "Brian the Vampire" by Xiu Xiu
So fear not, my friends, for I* have come up with a solution. Rather than put my dirty dishes in the sink, I've started hiding them in my bedside table. Then, in about a week or so, I'll wait for my parents to leave the house and return to my rightful place as Supreme Dish Washer.
Watch the Throne by Jay-Z and Kanye West
Bon Iver by Bon Iver
Live Music by The Strange Boys
Cleaned: 14 plates and saucers, 3 containers, 1 iron skillet, 1 frying pan, 9 cups (glass and plastic), 4 coffee mugs, 1 mixing bowl, 2 regular bowls, 2 mixing spoons, 2 spatulas, 1 whisk, 4 measuring spoons, 1 measuring cup, 1 cheese knife, 1 edged knife, 1 peeler, 5 spoons, 8 forks, 4 butter knives
Cleaned: 4 spoons (not wooden), 1 cheese knife, 1 PIZZA cutter, 1 butter knife, 1 edged knife, 1 grater, 4 cups (glass and plastic), 2 coffee mugs, 1 spatula, 1 baby spatula, 1 brush, 1 whisk, 3 measuring cups, 2 measuring spoons, 4 plates and saucers, 1 frying pan, 1 iron skillet, 1 blender, 1 baking dish, 1 blender
Guys, I just don't think Drake makes good music.