Thanksgiving special (Part 2)

Editor's note: I’d planned to write an epic five-part retelling of the first Thanksgiving that involved an assassination attempt, time travel and a multiracial transsexual hero named Rex. But time got away from me, so you get something a little more obvious - a list of the top five things I'm thankful for this year.

5.Spinach salad. I’ve been eating a lot of spinach lately. Have you guys tried this stuff? IT’S SO HEALTHY.

4.Sponges. I feel obligated to include at least one dishes-related item on this list. The sponge is never my first choice when cleaning the dishes. I generally prefer to use a brush, which has a long handle and firm bristles that really get the job done. However, whenever I want to give a dish that extra shine, I go for the trusty sponge. Remove the sexual element, and this video really describes what goes through my mind when cleaning a dish.

 And that leads into the next piece of business…

3. Jerry’s hand gestures in this video.

2.Winter in New England. You know what absolutely doesn’t suck? When it snows in October. Yeah, not a whole lot, just enough to let you know that winter is almost here. Then, you go through an entire month of will-it-won’t-it anxiety about the weather and you end up dressing inappropriately no matter what the temperature is outside. It’s like, “Dude, why are you wearing a scarf on a 55-degree day?” And I’m all, “Because it effing snowed last weekend, and I have no idea what 55 degrees feels like.” Finally, Thanksgiving rolls around and you’re in such a dark place about the impending doom of winter that you throw up your candied yams at the dinner table. Your family tells you that you’re not possessed by a demon, but you have your suspicions.

1. Another year has gone by and still no zombie apocalypse. I find myself giving this thanks every year, and I still feel just as strongly about it now as I did the first time. Y’all, zombies are effing scary. I’ve never encountered one in real life, but I’ve been eaten more than once in dreams and it is unpleasant. Sure, they’re slow, and a single zombie is easy to outrun. But zombies have strength in numbers. You’ll be killing one only to look up and find yourself surrounded by dozens more. What’re you gonna do now? Run through them? Not likely, Carl Lewis. One bite and you’re dead. You’ll try to hide the fact that you’re turning from your friends, but eventually you’ll be throwing up your liquefied innards at the dinner table. Then, everyone will know, and they’ll talk about the time you ruined Thanksgiving for years to come.

So, guys, this Thanksgiving, before cutting the turkey or before creepy Uncle Hal says the blessing, I want you to take the hands of your loved ones and make a blood oath that if anyone in the room is ever bitten by a zombie, the others won’t hesitate to pull the trigger. And if you suspect that you already have a zombie at the table, remember that it's probably just Grandma and she’s always been a weirdo.

Roughly a third of tonight's dishes

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

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Cleaned: 7 forks, 8 butter knives, 2 spoons, 1 brush, 5 plates, 3 containers plus lids, 3 frying pans, 1 mixing bowl, 2 sauce pans plus lids, 5 mixing spoons, 1 spatula, 2 mixing apparatuses (Why isn't "apparati" a word?), 2 edged knives, 1 baking pan, 2 measuring spoons, 2 measuring cups, 2 peelers, 1 bowl, 1 ladle, 1 food processor plus parts, 1 cutting board, 1 tong (2 tongs? 1 pair of tongs? Probably 1 pair of tongs)

Completion time: 52 minutes

Playlist: Don't Trust the Pilgrims mix tape featuring various artist

Don't Trust the Pilgrims (Thanksgiving mix tape)

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1. Drug - White Denim (0:00) excerpt from Addams Family Values
2. Thanksgiving (excerpt) - Todd Barry (2:58)
3. Belispeak - Purity Ring (3:05)
4. As Young As Yesterday - Korallreven (6:03)
5. I Want You - Summer Camp (11:45)
6. Song For America - Destroyer (15:57)
7. Put Me To Sleep - Porcelain Raft (20:20)
8. Tell Her No (Zombies cover) - Tennis (24:08)
9. Vega-Tables - Beach Boys (26:15)
10. Right Before - Strange Boys (30:01)
11. Bleak Bake - King Krule (32:36)
12. Spiders - Ty Segall (35:05)
13. Head For The Country - John Maus (37:57)
14. Peripheral Visionaries - Young Galaxy (41:10)
15. Holdin On To Black Metal - My Morning Jacket (44:42)
16. Thanksgiving Turkey from Addams Family Values (49:01)

Thanksgiving special (Part 1)

The holidays are finally upon us. In middle-class America, Thanksgiving (That's today for my international readers) represents the day when we stop thinking about what's going on in the rest of the world and turn our focus inward in a masterful display of gluttony, greed and self-indulgence for the rest of the calendar year. The public face of the holiday is notable for its absurd amount of food and the kick-off of the holiday shopping season. It's filled with family and joy and people half-heartedly explaining what they're thankful for as their food gets cold. It's also filled with dishes upon dirty dishes.

That's where Living With No Dishwasher comes in. People are always saying to me, "J-Ro, as the leading authority of dish washing, I come to you to ask, How can I possibly manage to tackle the mountain of dishes piling up in my sink on this Thanksgiving holiday?" Well, my long-winded friend, here are some tips.

This morning's dishes -  Ain't no thing.

Do them early and often.
If you want to maintain your sanity this Thanksgiving, someone in your household should constantly be doing the dishes. If you don't believe in slavery, then someone is going to have to volunteer for this job. They may not like it, but trust me, cleaning your breakfast dishes before you even begin to prepare lunch will save you time and frustration later. If you have to, chain your "volunteer" to the counter. Then give him an iTunes gift card or something later as penance.

Get your buzz on.

If you're spending time with your family and you're still sober by noon, then you either have great self control or a high alcohol tolerance. Personally, I feel you should just start the day by spiking your coffee. This will give you a nice feeling of anxiety mixed with drowsiness, which if nothing else, will make you the most pathetic person at the party. And who doesn't want to be that guy?

Turn it into a dance party.
I never do the dishes without listening to music. Whether it's a holiday or a Thursday (in this case, it's both), doing the dishes is much more enjoyable when you've got some tunes. So, select about an hour's worth of music, fill that sink up with water and get ready to shake what your mama gave you. Just be careful with your booty-shaking when handling knives or other sharp objects. Or don't. A trip to the emergency room is guaranteed to spice up any Thanksgiving story.

For those who are unsure what to put on their playlist, tune in later today for the first ever LWND Thanksgiving Mix. Also, I will be half-heartedly counting down the top five things I'm thankful for this year!
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Cleaned: 4 forks, 1 spoon, 2 mixer apparatuseseseses, 2 mixing spoons, 1 whisk, 1 brush, 1 butter knife, 3 measuring cups, 1 mixing bowl, 1 regular bowl, 4 plates/saucers, 1 cast iron skillet, 1 spatula, 1 glass

Completion time: 12 minutes

Playlist: D by White Denim


White Denim - Street Joy from Downtown Music on Vimeo.