Thanksgiving special (Part 2)

Editor's note: I’d planned to write an epic five-part retelling of the first Thanksgiving that involved an assassination attempt, time travel and a multiracial transsexual hero named Rex. But time got away from me, so you get something a little more obvious - a list of the top five things I'm thankful for this year.

5.Spinach salad. I’ve been eating a lot of spinach lately. Have you guys tried this stuff? IT’S SO HEALTHY.

4.Sponges. I feel obligated to include at least one dishes-related item on this list. The sponge is never my first choice when cleaning the dishes. I generally prefer to use a brush, which has a long handle and firm bristles that really get the job done. However, whenever I want to give a dish that extra shine, I go for the trusty sponge. Remove the sexual element, and this video really describes what goes through my mind when cleaning a dish.

 And that leads into the next piece of business…

3. Jerry’s hand gestures in this video.

2.Winter in New England. You know what absolutely doesn’t suck? When it snows in October. Yeah, not a whole lot, just enough to let you know that winter is almost here. Then, you go through an entire month of will-it-won’t-it anxiety about the weather and you end up dressing inappropriately no matter what the temperature is outside. It’s like, “Dude, why are you wearing a scarf on a 55-degree day?” And I’m all, “Because it effing snowed last weekend, and I have no idea what 55 degrees feels like.” Finally, Thanksgiving rolls around and you’re in such a dark place about the impending doom of winter that you throw up your candied yams at the dinner table. Your family tells you that you’re not possessed by a demon, but you have your suspicions.

1. Another year has gone by and still no zombie apocalypse. I find myself giving this thanks every year, and I still feel just as strongly about it now as I did the first time. Y’all, zombies are effing scary. I’ve never encountered one in real life, but I’ve been eaten more than once in dreams and it is unpleasant. Sure, they’re slow, and a single zombie is easy to outrun. But zombies have strength in numbers. You’ll be killing one only to look up and find yourself surrounded by dozens more. What’re you gonna do now? Run through them? Not likely, Carl Lewis. One bite and you’re dead. You’ll try to hide the fact that you’re turning from your friends, but eventually you’ll be throwing up your liquefied innards at the dinner table. Then, everyone will know, and they’ll talk about the time you ruined Thanksgiving for years to come.

So, guys, this Thanksgiving, before cutting the turkey or before creepy Uncle Hal says the blessing, I want you to take the hands of your loved ones and make a blood oath that if anyone in the room is ever bitten by a zombie, the others won’t hesitate to pull the trigger. And if you suspect that you already have a zombie at the table, remember that it's probably just Grandma and she’s always been a weirdo.

Roughly a third of tonight's dishes

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

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Cleaned: 7 forks, 8 butter knives, 2 spoons, 1 brush, 5 plates, 3 containers plus lids, 3 frying pans, 1 mixing bowl, 2 sauce pans plus lids, 5 mixing spoons, 1 spatula, 2 mixing apparatuses (Why isn't "apparati" a word?), 2 edged knives, 1 baking pan, 2 measuring spoons, 2 measuring cups, 2 peelers, 1 bowl, 1 ladle, 1 food processor plus parts, 1 cutting board, 1 tong (2 tongs? 1 pair of tongs? Probably 1 pair of tongs)

Completion time: 52 minutes

Playlist: Don't Trust the Pilgrims mix tape featuring various artist