Guys, I just don't think Drake makes good music.
---
Cleaned: 2 frying pans, 1 rice cooker plus lid, 8 plates and saucers, 1 blender plus lid, 4 butter knives, 2 forks, 6 spoons, 1 masher, 1 mixing spoon, 1 spatula, 4 coffee mugs, 5 cups (glass and plastic)
Completion time: 21 minutes
Playlist: "Cold War (Nice Clean Fight)" by The Morning Benders, "Cold Outside" by Raekwon, "Mongrel" by DJ Shadow, "Mezzanine" by Massive Attack, "The Edge" by Cant, "Brian the Vampire" by Xiu Xiu
Tonight's very special episode of Living With No Dishwasher would not be possible without the collaborative contributions of famed rock band Aerosmith and up-and-coming lyricist Doug S., who have teamed up to bring you "The Official LWND Theme Song."
Aerosmith, I assume, you're familiar with. Doug S., however, is not a household name, unless you've got a sibling or something named Doug and your last name Sampson or Smith. In that case, Doug S. is probably a fairly common name in your household. Anyhow, the Doug S. that we're concerned with channeled his inner Weird Al to write some inspirational lyrics to the tune of Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator." Aerosmith had agreed to record the improved version of the song, but lead singer Steven Tyler fell off his bicycle or some nonsense, so they pulled out.
Instead, the LWND Emergency Response team found this rockin' midi version of the song that I think really enhances the tune by giving it a Mega Man feel. Enjoy!
The Official LWND Theme Song
Original music by Aerosmith
Original lyrics by Doug S.
Washin' like a dog for the boss man (Oh!)
Washing' for the girlfriend (Oh, yeah!)
I'm bettin' on the dishes I'm washin' (Oh!)
Gonna use Palmolive (Oh, yeah!)
But where am I gonna wash?
They tell washin's not for the blind
I really need a girl like an brillo pad
to wash 'cause I don't got time
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up when I'm goin' down
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up 'til I hit the ground
Jacki's buying a dishwasher
Home goods second floor
She said 'Can I see you later
And clean you just a little more?'
How am i gonna clean this gunk
I'll never get it out alive
She said 'I'll show ya how to remove grease stains honey
and have you home by five'
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up when I'm goin' down
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up 'til I hit the ground
Extra care, extra care, honey one more time now wash with extra care
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up when I'm goin' down
Living with no dishwasher
Going down
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up when I'm goin' down
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up 'til I hit the ground
Gonna wash when I'm a pauper
Gonna wash as a millionaire
I'm gonna be a real fast washer
but do it with extra care
Gotta get my washin' right
It's a test that I got to pass
I'll chase you all the way to the rinse sink, honey
Kiss your sassafras
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up when I'm goin' down
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up 'til I hit the ground
It ain't fair. It ain't fair
Honey one more time now extra care.
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up when I'm goin' down (x2)
In the air, in the air
Honey one, one, one, one, one more!
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up when I'm goin' down (x2)
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up when I'm goin' down (x2)
Extra care, Extra care
Living with no dishwasher
Washin' it up when I'm goin' down ---
Cleaned: 21 plates and saucers, 2 bowls, 12 cups and glasses, 5 coffee mugs, 1 baking pan, 1 skillet, 1 sauce pan, 1 pair of tongs, 1 whisk, 1 mixing spoon, 1 edged knife, 2 spatulas, 6 spoons, 11 butter knives, 18 forks, 4 measuring spoons, 1 measuring cup, 2 containers
Completion time: 44 minutes
Playlist: "Birds of Paradise" by Peaking Lights, "Prairie Fire That Wanders About" by Sufjan Stevens, "Roses" by Blouse, "She's Great (Interlude)" by Theophilus London, "All of the Lights" by Kanye West, "Sir Greendown" by Janelle Monae, "It's Alright" by Kurt Vile, "Death and All the Rest" by The Strange Boys, "Terminator X to the Edge of Panic" by Public Enemy, "Oh You, Old Thing" by Wolf Parade, "Heart: Release" by Neon Indian, "Why?" by Dara Purspita, "She Just Likes to Fight" by Four Tet, "Sun Trails" by Craft Spells
Editor's note: I’d planned to write an epic five-part retelling of the first Thanksgiving that involved an assassination attempt, time travel and a multiracial transsexual hero named Rex. But time got away from me, so you get something a little more obvious - a list of the top five things I'm thankful for this year.
5.Spinach salad. I’ve been eating a lot of spinach lately. Have you guys tried this stuff? IT’S SO HEALTHY.
4.Sponges. I feel obligated to include at least one dishes-related item on this list. The sponge is never my first choice when cleaning the dishes. I generally prefer to use a brush, which has a long handle and firm bristles that really get the job done. However, whenever I want to give a dish that extra shine, I go for the trusty sponge. Remove the sexual element, and this video really describes what goes through my mind when cleaning a dish.
And that leads into the next piece of business…
3. Jerry’s hand gestures in this video.
2.Winter in New England. You know what absolutely doesn’t suck? When it snows in October. Yeah, not a whole lot, just enough to let you know that winter is almost here. Then, you go through an entire month of will-it-won’t-it anxiety about the weather and you end up dressing inappropriately no matter what the temperature is outside. It’s like, “Dude, why are you wearing a scarf on a 55-degree day?” And I’m all, “Because it effing snowed last weekend, and I have no idea what 55 degrees feels like.” Finally, Thanksgiving rolls around and you’re in such a dark place about the impending doom of winter that you throw up your candied yams at the dinner table. Your family tells you that you’re not possessed by a demon, but you have your suspicions.
1. Another year has gone by and still no zombie apocalypse. I find myself giving this thanks every year, and I still feel just as strongly about it now as I did the first time. Y’all, zombies are effing scary. I’ve never encountered one in real life, but I’ve been eaten more than once in dreams and it is unpleasant. Sure, they’re slow, and a single zombie is easy to outrun. But zombies have strength in numbers. You’ll be killing one only to look up and find yourself surrounded by dozens more. What’re you gonna do now? Run through them? Not likely, Carl Lewis. One bite and you’re dead. You’ll try to hide the fact that you’re turning from your friends, but eventually you’ll be throwing up your liquefied innards at the dinner table. Then, everyone will know, and they’ll talk about the time you ruined Thanksgiving for years to come.
So, guys, this Thanksgiving, before cutting the turkey or before creepy Uncle Hal says the blessing, I want you to take the hands of your loved ones and make a blood oath that if anyone in the room is ever bitten by a zombie, the others won’t hesitate to pull the trigger. And if you suspect that you already have a zombie at the table, remember that it's probably just Grandma and she’s always been a weirdo.
Download
1. Drug - White Denim (0:00) excerpt from Addams Family Values
2. Thanksgiving (excerpt) - Todd Barry (2:58)
3. Belispeak - Purity Ring (3:05)
4. As Young As Yesterday - Korallreven (6:03)
5. I Want You - Summer Camp (11:45)
6. Song For America - Destroyer (15:57)
7. Put Me To Sleep - Porcelain Raft (20:20)
8. Tell Her No (Zombies cover) - Tennis (24:08)
9. Vega-Tables - Beach Boys (26:15)
10. Right Before - Strange Boys (30:01)
11. Bleak Bake - King Krule (32:36)
12. Spiders - Ty Segall (35:05)
13. Head For The Country - John Maus (37:57)
14. Peripheral Visionaries - Young Galaxy (41:10)
15. Holdin On To Black Metal - My Morning Jacket (44:42)
16. Thanksgiving Turkey from Addams Family Values (49:01)
The holidays are finally upon us. In middle-class America, Thanksgiving (That's today for my international readers) represents the day when we stop thinking about what's going on in the rest of the world and turn our focus inward in a masterful display of gluttony, greed and self-indulgence for the rest of the calendar year. The public face of the holiday is notable for its absurd amount of food and the kick-off of the holiday shopping season. It's filled with family and joy and people half-heartedly explaining what they're thankful for as their food gets cold. It's also filled with dishes upon dirty dishes.
That's where Living With No Dishwasher comes in. People are always saying to me, "J-Ro, as the leading authority of dish washing, I come to you to ask, How can I possibly manage to tackle the mountain of dishes piling up in my sink on this Thanksgiving holiday?" Well, my long-winded friend, here are some tips.
This morning's dishes - Ain't no thing.
Do them early and often.
If you want to maintain your sanity this Thanksgiving, someone in your household should constantly be doing the dishes. If you don't believe in slavery, then someone is going to have to volunteer for this job. They may not like it, but trust me, cleaning your breakfast dishes before you even begin to prepare lunch will save you time and frustration later. If you have to, chain your "volunteer" to the counter. Then give him an iTunes gift card or something later as penance.
Get your buzz on.
If you're spending time with your family and you're still sober by noon, then you either have great self control or a high alcohol tolerance. Personally, I feel you should just start the day by spiking your coffee. This will give you a nice feeling of anxiety mixed with drowsiness, which if nothing else, will make you the most pathetic person at the party. And who doesn't want to be that guy?
Turn it into a dance party.
I never do the dishes without listening to music. Whether it's a holiday or a Thursday (in this case, it's both), doing the dishes is much more enjoyable when you've got some tunes. So, select about an hour's worth of music, fill that sink up with water and get ready to shake what your mama gave you. Just be careful with your booty-shaking when handling knives or other sharp objects. Or don't. A trip to the emergency room is guaranteed to spice up any Thanksgiving story.
For those who are unsure what to put on their playlist, tune in later today for the first ever LWND Thanksgiving Mix. Also, I will be half-heartedly counting down the top five things I'm thankful for this year!
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Cleaned: 4 forks, 1 spoon, 2 mixer apparatuseseseses, 2 mixing spoons, 1 whisk, 1 brush, 1 butter knife, 3 measuring cups, 1 mixing bowl, 1 regular bowl, 4 plates/saucers, 1 cast iron skillet, 1 spatula, 1 glass
I knew this day would come sooner or later. It was only a matter of time. Living with another person, it is inevitable that they will pick up the slack and do the chores once in a while. For me, that day was today.
Friends, my Live-in Girlfriend (LIGF) did the dishes.
I suppose I should be elated, because, let's face it, doing the dishes blows. And doing the dishes in such a way that you hope will entertain people just adds to the pressure. But I had such an amazing episode of LWND lined up for tomorrow night. It was to be an emotional rollercoaster in which I pointed out that starting a dishes blog has led to a situation where I am now the sole dish washer of this household. It was going to be introspective and reflective and other words ending in "ive" (like pejorative, informative and beehive, to name a few). It was going to be titled "This blog is the worst idea I ever had."
:(
But mostly, it was going to be a guilt trip to get LIGF to do the dishes.
Alas, LIGF beat me to my game before I even had a chance to play. I'm too distraught to go on.
---
Cleaned: Nothing
Completion time: 0 minutes
Playlist: Whatever.
Join me Thursday for a very stupid Thanksgiving special in which maybe I do the dishes or maybe I slip into a coma of self loathing. Or don't. I don't care...
No, toooootally j.k.ing!!!! It's gonna rock harder than a Danzig concert in a volcano!!!! Plus, LIGF totally bought me some baller headphones today. S'all good!
Actually, scratch that. Let's play Two Truths and a Lie.
Truth(?) #1: Until about two months ago, I'd never lived without a dishwasher. That's right. Every apartment, house and tepee I've lived in to this point has basically done the dishes for me. Does this make me a fraud? Is my dedication to doing the dishes in question? Am I part of the evil 1 percent that has coasted through life, letting machines do the dishes for me? I think not.
This is actually the reason I started Living With No Dishwasher. You see, Live-In Girlfriend (LIGF) and I -- dishwasher or not -- have a tendency to let the dishes pile up to the point where we have to drink out of flower vases because the Food and Drug Administration would probably deem our cups too filthy to contain any liquid for human consumption. This is true (or is it?): the Environmental Protection Agency once fined us for the level of carbon dioxide emitting from the decomposing waste in our kitchen.
Get a brush, dude!
So I decided to start this blog in hopes that it would establish a structure in my dish-washing habits. So far, it has been a success -- impressively so. The kitchen has never been cleaner and our apartment has ceased to smell like what I imagine Rob Zombie's hair smells like. What I didn't expect is that the blog would immediately become such a hit. Just a week in and the reviews have been outstanding. One person told me he "liked" my blog. Another said it was "funny." Someone (me) even called it "the Internet's hottest dishes blog." This has led me to believe that I am doing good work and that this is quite possibly the best idea I've ever had.
I ain't particular, I bang like vehicular homicides.
Truth(?) #2: I share a birthday with GZA of the Wu-Tang Clan. We're a year or two apart, but next time August 22 rolls around, if you haven't already spent too much money on a gift for the Genius, you might consider getting me a little something-something as well. I'm quite fond of music albums made by movie stars (or am I?). He, from what I've been told, likes chess. (If you're ever wondering what to get someone for their birthday, find out what they're hobbies are and base it on that.)
Truth(?) #3: I killed a guy once. Don't worry. It wasn't anyone you knew - just some drifter who crossed the road at the wrong time. The embarrassing part is that I totally missed him the first time and had to turn my car around and chase him down again. It was messed up (or was it?).
Some number of weeks ago, in celebration of my Life-in Girlfriend's (LIGF) birthday, I decided to bake a cake from scratch. Now, this was my first time to attempt such a task, so I decided to keep it simple, making a basic chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. No frills. No funfetti. Just straight-up delicious.
The only problem was that, in addition to being all-around tasty, this cake was enormous. LIGF had invited some five people over for her birthday party, which was enough to consume roughly one third of the cake. This left the remainder for LIGF and me to eat on our own. Optimistic as ever, I was sure this was a feat that could be accomplished. But after about a week or so, the chocolate cake lost some of its appeal.
Despite writing for a blog devoted to doing the dishes, I'll admit that I do not run the cleanest of households, and it took about another week before I decided to finally throw out the masterpiece that I had made with tender, loving care.
So imagine my surprise tonight when I went to clean out the baking dish that had once held this scrumptious treat and saw a familiar face looking back at me from the crumbs (and from beyond the grave.)
I'm no psychic. I've never had an encounter on the astral plane. And I've certainly never had a visit from anyone who has moved on from this life and into the next. But, folks, I believe that right there is the face of none other than Ol' Dirty Bastard himself in my baking dish.
Gimme the cake, so I can take it away.
What could this possibly mean? Is Peanut the Kidnapper trying to tell me something from the big, bright Brooklyn Zoo in the sky? Maybe he has seen this blog and he approves. Maybe he has some helpful tips for cleaning my crack pipe. Maybe, just maybe, I made a stencil of ODB's face a couple nights ago and sprinkled cake crumbs over it so I could write yet another blog post around the famed Wu-Tang rapper.
Maybe I need some new ideas.
---
Shimmy shimmy SHIMMERING!
Cleaned: 4 forks, 4 spoons, 3 butter knives, 2 peelers, 1 PIZZA cutter, 1 cheese knife, 1 edged knife, 1 garlic press, 1 spatula, 1 wooden spoon, 1 pasta spoon thingy (What are they called? You know, with the teeth?), 4 cups (glass and plastic), 4 coffee mugs, 2 frying pans, 1 pot plus lid, 3 plates, 1 PIZZA tray, 2 containers plus lids, 1 blender plus lid, 1 haunted baking dish, 1 cutting board
Completion time: 26 minutes
Playlist: "The Pistol" by Dead Prez, "I'm Sorry I Sang on Your Hands That Have Been in the Grave" by Sunset Rubdown, "What Would I Want Sky" by Animal Collective, "Never Going Back Again" by Fleetwood Mac, "Looks Just Like the Sun" by Broken Social Scene, "Lifter" by Deftones
Today is a very special day for me, the sole author of Living With No Dishwasher. Not only does it mark the sophomore post for the Internet's hottest dishes blog, but it is also the forty-third anniversary of the birth of rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard.
For those of you who have been fans of LWND since the early days, you know that Big Baby Jesus is, in many ways, the inspiration behind this blog. So I like to honor him from time to time by mentioning him in a post. What he did for hip-hop is what I have charged myself with doing for the dishwasherless community around the world. It is said that there was no father to ODB's style. Much in the same way, there is no style to the way I do the dishes (more on that in future episodes).
Tonight's dish-washing experience was an easy one. After dining out for two consecutive nights, my Live-In Girlfriend (LIGF) and I managed to accumulate only a handful for dirty dishes. Most of filth consisted of bread crumbs and fruity residue and came off with little more than a scrub with slight to moderate elbow grease. I was grateful for this, as I have no upper-body strength to speak of, and I have trouble standing for long periods of time due to general laziness.
Another job well done!
These are challenges I hope to overcome in time. I am optimistic about my development as a dish washer (not dishwasher, as I'm not a machine), and I am confident that with the support of this blog behind me, I will one day churn out the cleanest dish anyone has ever set eyes on. To the future!
---
Cleaned: 4 spoons, 4 forks, 2 butter knives, 1 edged knife, 1 cheese knife, 3 cups (glass and plastic), 2 coffee mugs, 4 bowls, 4 plates, 2 storage containers (Please note: In an earlier episode of LWND, I referred to such items as "Tupperware things." I would like it to be known that Tupperware does not sponsor this blog, and until it does, I will not refer to its products by the company's name. Also, if anyone has a connection with "T-ware," please tell them to sponsor this blog.), 1 cutting board, 2 wine glasses, 1 blender plus lid, 1 chopstick
Completion time: 12 minutes
Playlist: "Mama Shelter" by The Strange Boys, "Peppergood" by The Samps, "Line Her Eyes" by Dum Dum Girls, "After the Moment" by Craft Spells
Today is a very special day for the folks (it's actually just me) here at Living With No Dishwasher. Not only does it mark the inaugural post for the Internet's newest (first?) dishes blog, but it is also the seventh anniversary of the death of rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard.
In many ways, ODB is the inspiration behind this blog. By this we (I) mean that we were (I was) browsing Dirty's Wikipedia page this morning when we (I) thought, "How can we (I) bring joy to the world in much the same way that Mr. McGirt did by rapping?" Having no determinable vocal talents other than the ability to hit the high notes in Aerosmith's "Dream On," we (I) decided to put one of our (my) natural gifts to use. That, of course, is doing the dishes.
There is a need for a dishes blog. The Internet is overcrowded with thousands of food websites celebrating the accomplishment of preparing a photogenic meal or consuming one created by another. But these sites generally leave out a less-than-glamorous aspect of making food: the dishes.
Other than the Greek warrior Ajax, there has never been a celebrity associated with dish washing. We laud the accomplishments of Wolfgang Puck, Julia Childs and that lady who can't afford shoes or whatever, but, because it's perceived as blue collar, we ignore the clean up crew that has to come in afterward.
This blog aims to change that.
Living With No Dishwasher is a recognition of people with pruned hands, softened fingernails and soap in their eyes. It's for anyone who's ever cut him- or herself cleaning a food processor. It's for the people who have given their drains coat hanger abortions because the disposal stopped working. It's for that guy who comes home from work, tired and browbeaten by those little nuances that add up throughout the day, sees a sink full of dirty dishes and says, "Well, they're not going to do themselves." It's totally for that guy.
But mostly, it's an excuse for us (me) to write about nonsense as a creative outlet. So, please, enjoy Living With No Dishwasher.
--- Cleaned: 4 measuring cups, 13 forks, 6 butter knives, 5 dessert spoons, 2 whisks, 1 brush, 1 peeler, 5 measuring spoons, 4 stirring spoons, 2 mixing bowls, 7 cups (glass and plastic), 1 coffee mug, 4 plates, 1 cutting knife, 1 cheese knife, 2 spatulas, 8 Tupperware things (What do you call those anyway?) plus lids, 1 soup bowl, 2 skillets, 1 cutting board, 1 food processor blade thingy
Completion time: 33 minutes
Playlist: Return to the 36 Chambers: The Dirty Version by Ol' Dirty Bastard
Tune in next time for another very special episode of LWND in which we (I) stop pretending this is a multi-man operation.
Guys, I just don't think Drake makes good music.
So, have you figured out which one's a lie?
For those of you who have been fans of LWND since the early days, you know that Big Baby Jesus is, in many ways, the inspiration behind this blog. So I like to honor him from time to time by mentioning him in a post. What he did for hip-hop is what I have charged myself with doing for the dishwasherless community around the world. It is said that there was no father to ODB's style. Much in the same way, there is no style to the way I do the dishes (more on that in future episodes).
In many ways, ODB is the inspiration behind this blog. By this we (I) mean that we were (I was) browsing Dirty's Wikipedia page this morning when we (I) thought, "How can we (I) bring joy to the world in much the same way that Mr. McGirt did by rapping?" Having no determinable vocal talents other than the ability to hit the high notes in Aerosmith's "Dream On," we (I) decided to put one of our (my) natural gifts to use. That, of course, is doing the dishes.
Cleaned: 4 measuring cups, 13 forks, 6 butter knives, 5 dessert spoons, 2 whisks, 1 brush, 1 peeler, 5 measuring spoons, 4 stirring spoons, 2 mixing bowls, 7 cups (glass and plastic), 1 coffee mug, 4 plates, 1 cutting knife, 1 cheese knife, 2 spatulas, 8 Tupperware things (What do you call those anyway?) plus lids, 1 soup bowl, 2 skillets, 1 cutting board, 1 food processor blade thingy