This blog is the best idea I've ever had

Let's start with some honesty.

Actually, scratch that. Let's play Two Truths and a Lie.

Truth(?) #1: Until about two months ago, I'd never lived without a dishwasher. That's right. Every apartment, house and tepee I've lived in to this point has basically done the dishes for me. Does this make me a fraud? Is my dedication to doing the dishes in question? Am I part of the evil 1 percent that has coasted through life, letting machines do the dishes for me? I think not.

This is actually the reason I started Living With No Dishwasher. You see, Live-In Girlfriend (LIGF) and I -- dishwasher or not -- have a tendency to let the dishes pile up to the point where we have to drink out of flower vases because the Food and Drug Administration would probably deem our cups too filthy to contain any liquid for human consumption. This is true (or is it?): the Environmental Protection Agency once fined us for the level of carbon dioxide emitting from the decomposing waste in our kitchen.

Get a brush, dude!

So I decided to start this blog in hopes that it would establish a structure in my dish-washing habits. So far, it has been a success -- impressively so. The kitchen has never been cleaner and our apartment has ceased to smell like what I imagine Rob Zombie's hair smells like. What I didn't expect is that the blog would immediately become such a hit. Just a week in and the reviews have been outstanding. One person told me he "liked" my blog. Another said it was "funny." Someone (me) even called it "the Internet's hottest dishes blog." This has led me to believe that I am doing good work and that this is quite possibly the best idea I've ever had.

I ain't particular, I bang like vehicular homicides.

Truth(?) #2: I share a birthday with GZA of the Wu-Tang Clan. We're a year or two apart, but next time August 22 rolls around, if you haven't already spent too much money on a gift for the Genius, you might consider getting me a little something-something as well. I'm quite fond of music albums made by movie stars (or am I?). He, from what I've been told, likes chess. (If you're ever wondering what to get someone for their birthday, find out what they're hobbies are and base it on that.)

Truth(?) #3: I killed a guy once. Don't worry. It wasn't anyone you knew - just some drifter who crossed the road at the wrong time. The embarrassing part is that I totally missed him the first time and had to turn my car around and chase him down again. It was messed up (or was it?).

So, have you figured out which one's a lie?
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Cleaned: 4 spoons, 3 forks, 3 butter knives, 1 edged knife, 1 cheese knife, 1 peeler, 1 ice cream scoop, 1 whisk, 1 brush, 2 spatulas, 3 mixing spoons, 2 mixing bowls, 4 measuring cups, 3 measuring spoons, 8 plates/saucers, 3 bowls, 1 sauce pan, 1 cutting board, 2 frying pans, 1 grater, 7 coffee mugs, 3 cups

Completion time: 29 minutes

Playlist: The Smile Sessions by the Beach Boys

Man, the dishes are done

Today is a very special day for me, the sole author of Living With No Dishwasher. Not only does it mark the sophomore post for the Internet's hottest dishes blog, but it is also the forty-third anniversary of the birth of rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard.

For those of you who have been fans of LWND since the early days, you know that Big Baby Jesus is, in many ways, the inspiration behind this blog. So I like to honor him from time to time by mentioning him in a post. What he did for hip-hop is what I have charged myself with doing for the dishwasherless community around the world. It is said that there was no father to ODB's style. Much in the same way, there is no style to the way I do the dishes (more on that in future episodes).

Tonight's dish-washing experience was an easy one. After dining out for two consecutive nights, my Live-In Girlfriend (LIGF) and I managed to accumulate only a handful for dirty dishes. Most of filth consisted of bread crumbs and fruity residue and came off with little more than a scrub with slight to moderate elbow grease. I was grateful for this, as I have no upper-body strength to speak of, and I have trouble standing for long periods of time due to general laziness.

Another job well done!

These are challenges I hope to overcome in time. I am optimistic about my development as a dish washer (not dishwasher, as I'm not a machine), and I am confident that with the support of this blog behind me, I will one day churn out the cleanest dish anyone has ever set eyes on. To the future!
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Cleaned: 4 spoons, 4 forks, 2 butter knives, 1 edged knife, 1 cheese knife, 3 cups (glass and plastic), 2 coffee mugs, 4 bowls, 4 plates, 2 storage containers (Please note: In an earlier episode of LWND, I referred to such items as "Tupperware things." I would like it to be known that Tupperware does not sponsor this blog, and until it does, I will not refer to its products by the company's name. Also, if anyone has a connection with "T-ware," please tell them to sponsor this blog.), 1 cutting board, 2 wine glasses, 1 blender plus lid, 1 chopstick

Completion time: 12 minutes


Playlist: "Mama Shelter" by The Strange Boys, "Peppergood" by The Samps, "Line Her Eyes" by Dum Dum Girls, "After the Moment" by Craft Spells

The dishes are done, man

Today is a very special day for the folks (it's actually just me) here at Living With No Dishwasher. Not only does it mark the inaugural post for the Internet's newest (first?) dishes blog, but it is also the seventh anniversary of the death of rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard.


In many ways, ODB is the inspiration behind this blog. By this we (I) mean that we were (I was) browsing Dirty's Wikipedia page this morning when we (I) thought, "How can we (I) bring joy to the world in much the same way that Mr. McGirt did by rapping?" Having no determinable vocal talents other than the ability to hit the high notes in Aerosmith's "Dream On," we (I) decided to put one of our (my) natural gifts to use. That, of course, is doing the dishes.

There is a need for a dishes blog. The Internet is overcrowded with thousands of food websites celebrating the accomplishment of preparing a photogenic meal or consuming one created by another. But these sites generally leave out a less-than-glamorous aspect of making food: the dishes.

Other than the Greek warrior Ajax, there has never been a celebrity associated with dish washing. We laud the accomplishments of Wolfgang Puck, Julia Childs and that lady who can't afford shoes or whatever, but, because it's perceived as blue collar, we ignore the clean up crew that has to come in afterward.

This blog aims to change that.

Living With No Dishwasher is a recognition of people with pruned hands, softened fingernails and soap in their eyes. It's for anyone who's ever cut him- or herself cleaning a food processor. It's for the people who have given their drains coat hanger abortions because the disposal stopped working. It's for that guy who comes home from work, tired and browbeaten by those little nuances that add up throughout the day, sees a sink full of dirty dishes and says, "Well, they're not going to do themselves." It's totally for that guy.

But mostly, it's an excuse for us (me) to write about nonsense as a creative outlet. So, please, enjoy Living With No Dishwasher.
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Cleaned: 4 measuring cups, 13 forks, 6 butter knives, 5 dessert spoons, 2 whisks, 1 brush, 1 peeler, 5 measuring spoons, 4 stirring spoons, 2 mixing bowls, 7 cups (glass and plastic), 1 coffee mug, 4 plates, 1 cutting knife, 1 cheese knife, 2 spatulas, 8 Tupperware things (What do you call those anyway?) plus lids, 1 soup bowl, 2 skillets, 1 cutting board, 1 food processor blade thingy

Completion time: 33 minutes

Playlist: Return to the 36 Chambers: The Dirty Version by Ol' Dirty Bastard

Tune in next time for another very special episode of LWND in which we (I) stop pretending this is a multi-man operation.