Hey, stranger

Some number of weeks ago, in celebration of my Life-in Girlfriend's (LIGF) birthday, I decided to bake a cake from scratch. Now, this was my first time to attempt such a task, so I decided to keep it simple, making a basic chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. No frills. No funfetti. Just straight-up delicious.

The only problem was that, in addition to being all-around tasty, this cake was enormous. LIGF had invited some five people over for her birthday party, which was enough to consume roughly one third of the cake. This left the remainder for LIGF and me to eat on our own. Optimistic as ever, I was sure this was a feat that could be accomplished. But after about a week or so, the chocolate cake lost some of its appeal.

Despite writing for a blog devoted to doing the dishes, I'll admit that I do not run the cleanest of households, and it took about another week before I decided to finally throw out the masterpiece that I had made with tender, loving care.

So imagine my surprise tonight when I went to clean out the baking dish that had once held this scrumptious treat and saw a familiar face looking back at me from the crumbs (and from beyond the grave.)

I'm no psychic. I've never had an encounter on the astral plane. And I've certainly never had a visit from anyone who has moved on from this life and into the next. But, folks, I believe that right there is the face of none other than Ol' Dirty Bastard himself in my baking dish.

Gimme the cake, so I can take it away.

What could this possibly mean? Is Peanut the Kidnapper trying to tell me something from the big, bright Brooklyn Zoo in the sky? Maybe he has seen this blog and he approves. Maybe he has some helpful tips for cleaning my crack pipe. Maybe, just maybe, I made a stencil of ODB's face a couple nights ago and sprinkled cake crumbs over it so I could write yet another blog post around the famed Wu-Tang rapper.

Maybe I need some new ideas.

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Shimmy shimmy SHIMMERING!

Cleaned: 4 forks, 4 spoons, 3 butter knives, 2 peelers, 1 PIZZA cutter, 1 cheese knife, 1 edged knife, 1 garlic press, 1 spatula, 1 wooden spoon, 1 pasta spoon thingy (What are they called? You know, with the teeth?), 4 cups (glass and plastic), 4 coffee mugs, 2 frying pans, 1 pot plus lid, 3 plates, 1 PIZZA tray, 2 containers plus lids, 1 blender plus lid, 1 haunted baking dish, 1 cutting board

Completion time: 26 minutes

Playlist: "The Pistol" by Dead Prez, "I'm Sorry I Sang on Your Hands That Have Been in the Grave" by Sunset Rubdown, "What Would I Want Sky" by Animal Collective, "Never Going Back Again" by Fleetwood Mac, "Looks Just Like the Sun" by Broken Social Scene, "Lifter" by Deftones

Man, the dishes are done

Today is a very special day for me, the sole author of Living With No Dishwasher. Not only does it mark the sophomore post for the Internet's hottest dishes blog, but it is also the forty-third anniversary of the birth of rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard.

For those of you who have been fans of LWND since the early days, you know that Big Baby Jesus is, in many ways, the inspiration behind this blog. So I like to honor him from time to time by mentioning him in a post. What he did for hip-hop is what I have charged myself with doing for the dishwasherless community around the world. It is said that there was no father to ODB's style. Much in the same way, there is no style to the way I do the dishes (more on that in future episodes).

Tonight's dish-washing experience was an easy one. After dining out for two consecutive nights, my Live-In Girlfriend (LIGF) and I managed to accumulate only a handful for dirty dishes. Most of filth consisted of bread crumbs and fruity residue and came off with little more than a scrub with slight to moderate elbow grease. I was grateful for this, as I have no upper-body strength to speak of, and I have trouble standing for long periods of time due to general laziness.

Another job well done!

These are challenges I hope to overcome in time. I am optimistic about my development as a dish washer (not dishwasher, as I'm not a machine), and I am confident that with the support of this blog behind me, I will one day churn out the cleanest dish anyone has ever set eyes on. To the future!
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Cleaned: 4 spoons, 4 forks, 2 butter knives, 1 edged knife, 1 cheese knife, 3 cups (glass and plastic), 2 coffee mugs, 4 bowls, 4 plates, 2 storage containers (Please note: In an earlier episode of LWND, I referred to such items as "Tupperware things." I would like it to be known that Tupperware does not sponsor this blog, and until it does, I will not refer to its products by the company's name. Also, if anyone has a connection with "T-ware," please tell them to sponsor this blog.), 1 cutting board, 2 wine glasses, 1 blender plus lid, 1 chopstick

Completion time: 12 minutes


Playlist: "Mama Shelter" by The Strange Boys, "Peppergood" by The Samps, "Line Her Eyes" by Dum Dum Girls, "After the Moment" by Craft Spells

The dishes are done, man

Today is a very special day for the folks (it's actually just me) here at Living With No Dishwasher. Not only does it mark the inaugural post for the Internet's newest (first?) dishes blog, but it is also the seventh anniversary of the death of rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard.


In many ways, ODB is the inspiration behind this blog. By this we (I) mean that we were (I was) browsing Dirty's Wikipedia page this morning when we (I) thought, "How can we (I) bring joy to the world in much the same way that Mr. McGirt did by rapping?" Having no determinable vocal talents other than the ability to hit the high notes in Aerosmith's "Dream On," we (I) decided to put one of our (my) natural gifts to use. That, of course, is doing the dishes.

There is a need for a dishes blog. The Internet is overcrowded with thousands of food websites celebrating the accomplishment of preparing a photogenic meal or consuming one created by another. But these sites generally leave out a less-than-glamorous aspect of making food: the dishes.

Other than the Greek warrior Ajax, there has never been a celebrity associated with dish washing. We laud the accomplishments of Wolfgang Puck, Julia Childs and that lady who can't afford shoes or whatever, but, because it's perceived as blue collar, we ignore the clean up crew that has to come in afterward.

This blog aims to change that.

Living With No Dishwasher is a recognition of people with pruned hands, softened fingernails and soap in their eyes. It's for anyone who's ever cut him- or herself cleaning a food processor. It's for the people who have given their drains coat hanger abortions because the disposal stopped working. It's for that guy who comes home from work, tired and browbeaten by those little nuances that add up throughout the day, sees a sink full of dirty dishes and says, "Well, they're not going to do themselves." It's totally for that guy.

But mostly, it's an excuse for us (me) to write about nonsense as a creative outlet. So, please, enjoy Living With No Dishwasher.
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Cleaned: 4 measuring cups, 13 forks, 6 butter knives, 5 dessert spoons, 2 whisks, 1 brush, 1 peeler, 5 measuring spoons, 4 stirring spoons, 2 mixing bowls, 7 cups (glass and plastic), 1 coffee mug, 4 plates, 1 cutting knife, 1 cheese knife, 2 spatulas, 8 Tupperware things (What do you call those anyway?) plus lids, 1 soup bowl, 2 skillets, 1 cutting board, 1 food processor blade thingy

Completion time: 33 minutes

Playlist: Return to the 36 Chambers: The Dirty Version by Ol' Dirty Bastard

Tune in next time for another very special episode of LWND in which we (I) stop pretending this is a multi-man operation.